“Loyalty because I love and appreciate you, not because I need you.”
Knowing someone could leave us at any time isn’t only a potential cause for insecurity; it’s a constant reminder for tender appreciation. If we know the relationship isn’t meant to be forever we can allow our differences to just be; we have more patience for the things our partner does that don’t match our values. The things they like to watch, the food they like to eat and what they have in their fridge, they’re not a danger to our values, but simply unthreatening invitations to expand our personality and possible interests.
“Earn each other’s respect on a daily basis”
It’s rare to be observed for 24 hours a day in a limited space and not feel heavy pressure. It may simply not be the conditions for getting the best out of a person. In order to get the parts of us that are more interesting to the surface, we may need our own bedroom and bathroom, a few hours to ourselves, a daily walk through the park, some space to read and think with our morning coffee, and a few moments alone to stare blankly out the window without having to explain how we feel. It isn’t cruel or selfish it’s just what we need to be the best version of ourselves.
What makes relationships difficult and destroys them is almost never the people in them; it’s what we try to do with them. To really love someone and wish the best for them might mean bringing out the best qualities in you for a few months and then tenderly parting ways at the check-out counter.
If we know it’s going to be a long commitment then we usually feel as if absolute alignment is key. Long-term relationships reward some qualities but obscure others, the simple things we take for granted like having interesting conversations about the meaning of life throughout the night. It isn’t a tragedy to know that some people just won’t shine in the conditions of long-term love and that when it’s compassionately playing up to their best qualities to leave, way before we ever need to arrange a home with them. With this thought, we should avoid the feeling of hopelessness that because we didn’t last forever, it could have been nothing at all.
In other parts of our life, we know that something that goes on forever isn’t always a good thing. We know that we won’t always want to live in the same house forever even though we really love the space we’re in; we aren’t betraying it when we recognize that for a good amount of reasons it will be better to move elsewhere. We need to have an understanding and acceptance of love that will allow a relationship to end without anyone being vicious or cruel in its ending, because only against this idea can we reduce the crippling effect of bitterness, guilt, and blame that would occur under other circumstances.
The way we view the ending of love is impacted by what our culture tells us is true or ‘normal’ in relationships. It usually presents the idea that if it was meant to last forever then every time a relationship ends is considered a horrible failure. But if we create space for creative short-term love, then an ending may signal a deeper loyalty, not loyalty for setting up a home or a set of routines, but to a deep appreciation for the feelings, we had for someone for a time in our lives. We can walk away with a fair sense of what has been preserved and enhanced by the relationship not being forced out of obligation to last forever.
